Attraction (For Me)

A longer-winded exploration

We’re Prefacing

A month ago, I wrote about certain patterns of attraction I have that I’ve noticed over time. I didn’t post it because I ended up writing something that felt more immediate. Now, seeing as starting with a blank page and asking “What should I write?” hasn’t been doing much, I’ll drop this here. I would also guess that part of the reason I haven’t written anything like this is because I’ve been a bit in denial (and maybe find it embarrassing and hubristic to be open) about the details of my attraction.

It’s not a list of what I want from a partner so much as what I notice I’m drawn to, and I do think that distinction is important because, otherwise, I could just be bullshitting myself.

What I’m finding is it’s becoming more obvious that I experience the strongest attraction toward people I describe here and I seem to be oddly attuned to it now. I’ve written about how my attraction relates to type in Vultology before, but I’m also finding that the people I’m attracted to in the way I describe in that post invariably possess the vast majority of these qualities and it’s like my body can tell before I even explicitly know. It could be that there are innumerable subtle signals of these qualities that my subconscious picks up on fairly quickly.

I’ll drop some old stuff to show how I’ve written about this in the past and the current way will follow.

The Past

Here’s part of a reddit comment from like 2 years ago:

“I like answering questions like these every once in a while to see if anything's different. I notice, over time, that (in addition to my own plentiful mistakes) typically my choice in partners isn't wrong but I overestimated the extent to which they possessed certain traits.

Looks definitely matter as far as a foot in the door, and I've definitely let looks influence how much I perceive positive qualities in people.

But I also notice that these other traits overpower the looks factor to the point where someone with the qualities I see as attractive becomes really physically attractive to me in a more holistic way. It reaches an "overwhelmed by beauty" kind of attractive that someone that just looks good typically doesn't inspire in me.

I tend to be attracted to women that are:

• Emotionally expressive (not necessarily reactive)

• Kind

• Have a moral circle more expansive than typical

• Creative and/or aesthetically sensitive

• Highly open

• Generally cheerful

• Have a graceful presence (being adaptive and self-possessed)

• Eccentric in certain ways (beliefs, expression, asociality)

• Mostly introverted (but typically less than myself)

• Goofy/dorky

• Sense of humor across the spectrum of light/dark, high/low-brow

(Patterns I notice: these women tend to have some nature/animal-loving tendencies or are spiritual/religious in a more individualistic way, some even animistic)”

And another one from like 3 years ago:

“After the more obvious superficial stuff, it's the relationship glue like:

Open-mindedness even throughout conflict

Sensible amounts of confidence in her own reasoning

Willingness to entertain controversial, counter-intuitive ways of thinking

Someone I can laugh with (AKA goofy as shit and clever as shit)

More emotionally expressive than myself

Shared values like having genuine ethical concern for other people/beings

And wanting a similar enough lifestyle to where it makes sense for us to be together (preference for monogamy, not wanting kids, being more on the introverted end of things, etc.)”

Now

In a sentence, I’d say I’m drawn to artsy, writerly, or bookish women that are quite silly and playful but also tend to be ethically fussy and unconventionally honest in a way that’s endearing.

(And, based on that description, anyone familiar with Jung-influenced typing systems can probably see why there’s a tendency for FiNe and NeFi types to be attractive to me.)

One other thing that I notice is that someone can check almost all of the “boxes” but still not be attractive to me in that more holistic sense. One niche way this happens is with a very specific type of person, and, I may not even know this initially, but they tend to be more heady in a “my body is not me”, transhumanistic, possibly poly, sex-is-just-a-handshake kind of way and, for whatever reason, I haven’t been drawn to that. They’re pretty interesting people and I often find them intellectually interesting, but, emotionally/romantically, hardly anything clicks.

As an example, (without naming of course) there’s one internet-popular public figure that’s quite physically and intellectually attractive to me and I’ve probably read and listened to like 99% of what they do online (and it’s a lot) but there’s still hardly any “emotional” click, which happens really quickly with people I barely know whose expression is strikingly charming to the point where they make me smile and laugh just by doing whatever. And, not knowing this initially, I found out that this person is quite bored with or dislikes repetitive human activities that come with having a body.

This makes me think there’s a simplistic, bodily, earthy sentimentality that’s part of my attraction which is pretty funny because, for a good amount of time, I would’ve considered myself a walking mind. I think that earthy sentimentality results in (or could be the result of) someone that is largely at peace with, yet often moved by, a lot. And this might mean that, like myself, they’re rarely bored and rarely seeking ways to escape whatever emotional states they experience.

Intellectual/Emotional/Physical

If I had to break down different aspects of attraction, these three would be a good set.

Intellectual interest and physical interest clearly have emotional bases so they’re not really all that separate, but for the sake of talking about them here, they’re all separate things.

Their interaction seems to work like this for me:

Emotional attraction can significantly boost physical attraction.

Intellectual attraction has little-to-no affect on physical attraction.

Physical attraction can slightly/temporarily boost emotional or intellectual attraction.

I think what makes me intellectually attracted to someone is a particularly discerning rhetoric and concept-parsing ability along with a willingness to be bold and stand firmly when they do have a position, paired with an undercurrent of epistemic humility. It’s not necessarily important that they have a bunch of convictions, but some fundamental conviction that what’s true matters and might be worth exploring and doesn’t need to bend to social pressures or be pleasant to the ear to be valuable. I notice that women I’m more emotionally attracted to tend to have more numerous and less-explicable values/convictions while women I’m more intellectually attracted to tend to have that more minimalistic, “truth and honesty matter, be kind, do no harm” set of values.

And, though intelligence is a factor in this, the part that engenders attraction I’d say is a style of approaching and expressing the more abstract and conceptual rather than intelligence broadly.

When the stars align and I am intellectually and emotionally attracted to someone, there seems to be this gracefulness about them. They seem to enjoy good-humored disagreement and are just a generally unperturbed person without trading in their capacity to be affected and responsive.

(Aside: As far as I can tell, vultologically, they’re more often TiNe or NeTi with more overt expressiveness and emotional responsiveness than is typical for those types so it’s possible they’re harder to distinguish from those on the Fi-Te axis)

(2/16/25, Aside aside: Another pattern I’ve noticed is that the specific women I have in mind here tend to be older than me, within a pretty wide range of like 4-17 years older. Not impossible for someone younger to be in this category but rarer for sure. Just makes sense that generally older women will have had more opportunities to develop in those ways, particularly if they’ve had certain personality traits since they were young. Interestingly, this also seems to be the age range of women that have followed me because of my writing/poetry or have been curious enough to read and interact with it completely unprompted.)

As I’m reviewing this, I’m realizing that emotional attractiveness is what continually draws me in, while intellectual attractiveness is what makes continued interaction smooth and engaging, usually a sign that we “speak the same language” in some important ways.

A couple of other observations:

Another reason someone might “check all of the boxes” emotionally but I’ll feel more trepidation about them is this subtle perception of what may be their baseline amount of restlessness/agitation, and, if I would like to be more romantically involved with them, my body seems to tell me “this won’t work romantically” with (also subtle) but noticeable tensions in my face and chest. And I’ve tried to pass this off as not meaning anything or something that would pass while getting to know them better but that actually never happens.

One other odd thing I’ve noticed is there are women that are quite physically attractive, eloquent and insightful in similar ways to the women I’m most attracted to, but I perceive this distance or like a fog/haze floating between their expression and their internal state and something about that doesn’t pull me in.