3-9-25

At the risk of looking quite silly

(This is basically what I was writing as it was happening with some words added to make it more followable.)

Spent so much time today kind of emotionally congested

Not sure how I really want to handle this situation

I’ve been writing thoughts and kind of looping, wanting to get better at distancing myself from it

Wishing I could feel like this person’s just some person far away that has nothing to do with me

Looked at her youtube channel again, accidentally subscribed. Really hoped it didn’t give her a notification.

Thought “well I’m checking it anyway and probably will again so why not leave it that way?”

But it just didn’t feel quite right so unsubscribed again

Then, much later, instead of trying to stay away (which wasn’t working), I decided to just watch one of her videos.

And not think about anything, just watch and see what happens

And now I'm crying so much and there's these waves of warmth that keep going through my body

Just super aroused for some reason

I really don't know why this person has such a strong effect on me

She's just the most beautiful woman in the world

And wow just writing that sentence did so much

This is getting nuts

And I really can't explain it

It's just happening

It doesn't really make sense

I think I might actually love her *and* need to move on.

That thought popping up in my head brought up so much warmth and sadness.

It doesn't seem like it makes sense to feel all of that

And I don't really get it but for whatever reason that sentence is what rings true and I think it's what I'm so sad about.

It's what I've been sad about this entire day.

And I just found out.

I feel so silly lol

And the thing is, it feels just as strong, if not stronger, than when I felt it all those months ago. It just seems unaffected by what's happened (or I guess hasn't happened) since.

I don't know, man. I really just don't know.

And it's so funny that I feel like I've avoided the word "love" because it just seemed inappropriate somehow, like I'm supposed to be more “reasonable”, have some more knowledge of a person or a system of barriers, boundaries, qualifications before I'm able to say "love." But, and I can barely even see the screen now lol, but yeah that's what it is, I think.

I think I love her.

And it just doesn’t need to be anything else.

It doesn’t need to be a relationship, it doesn’t need to be known even, it doesn’t need to mean I should be doing something or trying to make something happen.

But it does seem true.

And I can just have that. That can just happen.

In a way, it’s probably all me anyway. My capacity to love and my impression of this person.

But that’s kind of always the case in every instance of love.